HomeHome  PortalPortal  RegisterRegister  Log in  

Share | 
 

 Criticise me please :P.

View previous topic View next topic Go down 
AuthorMessage
Dirty Scythe

avatar

Posts : 13
Join date : 2010-01-27

PostSubject: Criticise me please :P.   Tue Feb 16, 2010 10:14 am

I have just wrote this essay for my English Comp 1 and I wish to put it on here for you guys to see and maybe criticize my writing a bit Razz.

The Never-ending Night
One night can change your life. It can make you live in fear or happiness. One night is all it takes to keep someone from doing something. In my instance, driving. Someone cannot coax me to drive unless I have to. I deeply regret going out in the night and getting in my mother's car. That night was like a dream to me. It was the most regrettable thing I have ever done and the worst night of my life. I learned my lesson in a very bad way.

The night that it had happened my friends Shadow and Cody were staying at my house for the night. It was 2:00 A.M. I had been half asleep when Shadow came up to me and said “Hey do you want to go out and drive around?” I said sure and we woke up Cody. When we had finally woke him up we used my bedroom window to leave the house and get into the car. I had had the keys but we had not decided who was going to drive yet. After a few minutes of talking we had decided that it would be Cody that would drive. So we all packed into the car. I was in the back seat with Shadow in the passenger seat. Cody started up the car and before we started going we started up a CD to listen to while driving around.

He pulled the car into reverse and left the driveway and I was starting to feel sick to my stomach and I disregarded it to be nothing. As we drove a little while Cody decided to go down a gravel road. I should have known that was a bad idea at the time, but I didn't say anything because we were having a lot of fun. Before we got on the gravel road the song “Riding Dirty” was playing, I will never forget that song. Once we got on the gravel road he started going faster and faster until the car was going almost sixty miles an hour then it happened. We lost control and went off the road. We didn't stay moving for very much longer because seconds later we hit a large fence. The windshield had cracked severely as the airbag had exploded, I never want to experience something like that ever again. The car's horn was blaring after we sat there dazed for a few minutes. Then me and Cody left the car and checked to see the damage and it was horrendous. The hood was bent severely and the bumper was completely gone. Then we heard Shadow yelling for us and we went to go see. Almost half his skin on his face was nearly ripped off by the airbag. We had decided to try to get home as fast as possible. We got back in the car and somehow, miraculously the car started.

So then the ride home started. The horn was blazing the whole time and when we finally drove up to the driveway we got the horn stopped and we had decided that me and cody would both go inside and tell my mother what had happened. We went inside and into my mother's bedroom and woke her up, by then we were almost crying because of what happened. As I was tearing I told my mother “I have something to tell you. We wrecked your car and Shadow is badly hurt.” And with that I broke into a sob but controlled it a minute later as we called 911. While the cops took their time to get there I was extremely afraid of being severely punished but when my mother said “I forgive you, I'm just glad you three are safe and not dead.” With that I was dumbstruck. I kept asking “Are you sure?” repeatedly and she kept on saying yes and that she would not press charges because everyone makes mistakes. I was glad for that.

Shadow had gone to the hospital to get treated for minor face fractures and a broken nose when the police had got to the house. They had asked a lot of questions that I had trouble answering because I was so afraid if I would go to jail. When I had finished the questions the police had left and it was just me, Cody, and my mother. We had a talk that what we had done was extremely bad and we should never do it again.

The fear I had that night has impacted me to this day. I now refuse to drive anywhere unless I absolutely have to. I am always scared of riding in cars because of the very vivid memory I have of the moment of the crash. Because of that memory I can imagine it with every passing car. It is horrible. But with that fear comes understanding. I had never experienced a life and death situation so it opened up so much for me. I am now a very calm driver and I never go above the speed limit. I always drive very carefully. I learned that someone should never drive over forty miles an hour on a gravel road and to never take someone's car out without their permission.

One night is all it takes to mess with your whole life. Long distance jobs will be difficult and visiting family members would also be very difficult. Learning a life lesson can sometimes be easy and most of the time it can be very hard. I had learned the hard way. My lesson was one everyone should learn one day or another, without crashing. Regret is a nasty thing, it haunts you everywhere you go. My regret was something that should have never happened. All it took for nothing to have happened was me to say “No.” Regrettably, I did not and now have a story to tell and a life lesson to boot.


Ouch it didn't tab, how do I fix that? lol
Back to top Go down
Lord_Kayedon

avatar

Posts : 61
Join date : 2010-02-01

PostSubject: Re: Criticise me please :P.   Wed Feb 17, 2010 1:40 pm

You can't tab on forums unless you add a custom BBCode tag that puts a series of non-breaking spaces in.

I'd read it, but it's a bit long and I don't have time at the moment.

But just for shits and giggles - IT SUCKS! Kidding mate...

I'll get to it... eventually.
Back to top Go down
Lee



Posts : 182
Join date : 2010-02-27
Age : 37
Location : United States, North Carolina

PostSubject: Re: Criticise me please :P.   Sat Feb 27, 2010 6:08 pm

So then the ride home started
4th paragraph first "sentence" That is a prepositional phrase .

You do not want to use the word I so many times in your paper only 5 times. Secondly avoid phrases like I think that. I believe that.

Avoid short choppy sentences that are less than 15 words. I could go on and on but I will be nice Smile
Back to top Go down
Dirty
Admin
avatar

Posts : 176
Join date : 2010-01-26
Age : 26
Location : Behind You

PostSubject: Re: Criticise me please :P.   Sat Feb 27, 2010 6:15 pm

Well, the I think that and I believe that are both part of the subject of the Narrative.
Back to top Go down
http://filostiempire.9forum.biz
Lee



Posts : 182
Join date : 2010-02-27
Age : 37
Location : United States, North Carolina

PostSubject: Re: Criticise me please :P.   Sat Feb 27, 2010 6:18 pm

In college it was frowned upon.
Back to top Go down
Dirty
Admin
avatar

Posts : 176
Join date : 2010-01-26
Age : 26
Location : Behind You

PostSubject: Re: Criticise me please :P.   Sat Feb 27, 2010 6:46 pm

Well the whole narrative topic was on I belive __________ because __________. And isn't a narrative supposed to be a bunch of I's cause I am telling the story? Razz
Back to top Go down
http://filostiempire.9forum.biz
Lee



Posts : 182
Join date : 2010-02-27
Age : 37
Location : United States, North Carolina

PostSubject: Re: Criticise me please :P.   Sat Feb 27, 2010 7:51 pm

a narrative can be written without using I's and believes. its understood u believe it because you are telling the story.
Back to top Go down
Sponsored content




PostSubject: Re: Criticise me please :P.   

Back to top Go down
 
Criticise me please :P.
View previous topic View next topic Back to top 
Page 1 of 1

Permissions in this forum:You cannot reply to topics in this forum
Filosti Empire :: General :: General Chat-
Jump to: